Sunday, 14 April 2013

Big Sunglasses.

Away from its natural habitat of shopping malls and Bloc Party concerts, the bumblebee exists solely on Vodka coolers and jello shots.
Away from its natural habitat of shopping malls and Bloc Party concerts, the bumblebee exists solely on Vodka coolers and jello shots.
I’m not a fashion expert.
I find trendy fashion-forward people to be uppity snobs.  They follow whatever popular people wear so they can be the first person in Omaha, Nebraska to wear the latest Ed Hardy’s.
Meanwhile, I’m keeping my pants up with an extension cord.
Regardless of whether you would deem me a ‘fashion expert’, I know what I don’t like.  I know what looks silly.
Massive sunglasses on women?
Ladies, if you own a pair, throw them out.  They’re not doing anything for you.  If you’re good looking, you don’t need half your face blocked by huge plastic glasses.
Here’s three reasons why you should just say no to big sunglasses.
1. You’re not flying a World War II plane.
Aviators in the early 1940’s flew planes that sometimes had open cabins.  The wind was fierce and debris would fly into the pilot’s eyes.  For this reason, they needed large, goggle-like glasses to protect themselves.  Many of you do not fly World War II planes, do you?  You’re driving X5’s with air conditioning right?  Unless you pilot that X5 through a swarm of German fighter-jets to protect a bridge in  Arnhem, buy smaller glasses.
2. You’re not driving in a side-pod to a motorcycle.
Back in olden times, people would drive in motorcycles with their partners next to them in an attached side-pod.  These people needed large glasses due to debris and cow-dung that would fly up into their grill while they traveled.  Many times, their large glasses would protect them from cow-dung-related incidents.  However, when they commenced their journey, they were usually ignored by the driver of the motorcycle.  Because I mean really, who’s talking to someone with cow-dung on their face?
3. You do not pollinate flowering plants.
The honey bee features compound eyes that can only distinguish between six different colors.  You can tell the difference between all five Pussy Cat dolls just by their outfits.  Glasses.  Unneeded.

I know that many of you will throw your tiny hot hands up in the air and object.  You will say, “I’m hot and I can rock large glasses and I look totally hot in them.  So whatever, extension-boy-belt-man-with-a-shitty-blog-nobody-reads, I’m going to check my Facebook and then go tan.  Screw you.”
How entirely hurtful.
But you know I’m right.  You know it’s absolutely ridiculous to have kaleidoscope glasses in this day and age and it makes you look silly.  Sunglasses are for your eyeballs.  Your eyeballs.  Not for your upper cheek, parts of your upper-jaw, your forehead.  It’s enough already.  Wear normal-sized glasses and let your face do the rest.  I’m sure you’re appealing enough


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